The Simpsons - Ralph Wiggum Learns a Lesson
by Philip Glenister tomboy
Summary: Ralph Wiggum is tricked by the local gang of deadbeat bully fathers when he wanders into their meeting place at Springfield Primary School; after Jimbo Jones, Kearney Z Senior and Dolph have used him as an accessory to their crimes near Jeffrey Albertson's "Comic Book Guy's" Android Dungeon vintage video games, action figures and comic shop. Can DCI Wiggum stop them using Ralph?


The Simpsons: Ralph Wiggum Learns a Lesson.

 **Summary** : Ralph Wiggum gives his comics away to the Android's Dungeon Comic Book, Action Figures & Vintage Video Games shop which is owned by Jeffrey Albertson "Comic Book Guy"; he gets £19 in fivers; but three deadbeat fathers known for hanging around Springfield Primary School, sense he's their next target for their bullying and crime.

Ralph Wiggum lays on the pavement outside the moderna green shop front of the Android Dungeon's Comic Book, Action Figures & Vintage Video Games in the High Street; surrounded by his kiddie comics proclaiming "I'm the Comic Book Guy!" loudly.

Jeffrey Albertson persistently questions on how such a young child possibly barely out of toddlerhood would be without an responsible adult "No! I am the Comic Book Guy!" as Ralph is just laid there near a busy bustling city road; similar to Central London. "Kindly bring those comics inside if you wish to sell them, as your DCI father indicated on the phone." But little Ralph at his age takes no notice, this seems to make the comic book shop owner concerned "Why are you out unaccompanied by a responsible parent, carer or guardian? Come inside until your father can collect you." as he carries a Greggs bag of doughnuts, holding his keys in the air.

Meanwhile at the other side of the road Dolph, Kearney Zaywick Senior and Jimbo Jones are aiming old tennis balls with pins stabbed inside at oncoming cars or unsuspecting pedestrians. It gets caught on Mr. Zaywick Senior's spikey bracelet as fashion wise he is a crossover between a 1980s punk and an early 2000s chav. "Ow! That does it; pins attached to old tennis balls, do not make good paint scratchers or tyre bursters!"

Jimbo Jones can see a child about their boss son's age walking into the Android Dungeon vintage comic book shop on Springfield Central High Street; pointing out his features to his governor and emo styled friend. "Look, it's the little Wiggum dweeb. Let's check him out! Say isn't he 2, 3 or 4 like your little Kearney?" noting the toddler style of walk Ralph has, stupidly attempting to carry comic books past his height level. The bully deadbeat fathers only remember their children's ages and existance when it suits i.e. they're not getting pissed drunk at the pub, on Jeremy Kyle slagging off their ex wives, chucking CSA money on tattoos or driving around in their Ford Transit vans as two work on construction sites doing driving jobs. All three claim benefits at the British tax payers annoyance. One works for McDonalds flipping burgers and frying French fries.

Inside the Android's Dungeon vintage comic book shop; there is an old 1978 Tatio Space Invaders poster pinned on the noticeboard, a boxed He-Man Grayskull Castle on one of the shelves, some imported American baseball merchandise from the Oregon Isotopes and a vintage 1996-2001 Pokemon trainer's cap.

"Hello, video game nerd, bags and boards! I'm Ralph!" the little toddler boy chattered excitedly as Jeffrey Albertson eats a pink jammie doughnut "I see, you've never been introduced to bags and boards." as he shows tiny Ralph a comic sealent bag. The comics were stacked like a rainbow displaying all seven colours including pink at the bottom.

The trio of deadbeat fathers stare through the commercial window front with a robot's speech bubble marked 'Take me to your comic books and action figures here'. Ralph Wiggum is just stood there picking his nose; in the background is shelves of Marvel Universe, Bongo Publications, 1930s-1940s Action and Detective Comics. Jeffrey Albertson picks up Where's Wally, Teletubbies, Time to Learn and Spot the Dog.

"Tragically, these comics range from a very poor to damaged grading. I know this because I have every edition of 'Soothboy's Guide to Comics' committed to memory." as the Comic Book Guy put down his pink jammie doughnut to pick up a CBeebies magazine.

"For example this 'CBeebies magazine' has all it's puzzles scribbled and filled incorrectly. I also found a bogey between the pages of a Fifi and the Flowertots annual and Peppa Pig 2007's annual published by Ladybird is severely water damaged." holding up three more of Ralph Wiggum's heavily used toddler annuals and comics.

Jeffrey Albertson the "Comic Book Guy" divides the £5 notes from his cash register counting the value carefully "I'll give you eighteen pounds for the whole stack. Little Ralph puts a left hand up gesturing for the crisp £5 notes. The Comic Book Guy had his hair up into a ponytail wearing a red hair band. "Thank you, Father Christmas!"

The gang of deadbeat fathers were stood outside the commercial window front after a graffiti session around the backstreets of Springfield planning a scam as usual involving Ralph Wiggum; since Kearney Zaywick Senior and DCI Clancy Wiggum are of the same age, both fathers and on opposite ends of the policing ladder. "Dudes! That little dork just sold his entire comic collection!" Jimbo Jones gestured at the window wearing his purple VANS beanie hat, skelton t-shirt in black, blue denim jeans with matching Converse All Stars trainers with a brunette dreadlock hairstyle "Watch how I trick a little kid out of his parents money."

Little Ralph stands next to door 507 which suggests the flat above the Android's Dungeon is used for all of Jeffrey Albertson's EBay UK finds crammed into a spare bedroom; has been since owning it some time in the Nineties with a dingy kitchen filled with every type of takeaway box imaginable, the once pristine lounge cluttered on classic video games he's ever owned from the 1980s, Futurama box sets and reams of posters on Comic Book Guy's favourite films including the usual suspect franchises.

"I know you! You draw funny pictures on the walls in the boys' room." Ralph pointed at Jimbo who replied "Hey, man!" he holds the toddler's hand in a chilling style similar to a crime in which a two year old boy was kidnapped and murdered. Now for extra shock the first half is recreated by men old enough to be his fathers clocking the fivers held by Ralph as they pretend to dupe the public into being dutiful dads taking their restless older baby out for a walk in the High Street. "It's cool that you sold those junky old comics to the comic book geek." Ralph doesn't say anything other than "His tummy made funny noises!" perfectly indicating his age away "He gave you £19 for your comics." the wrinkles and crow's feet implied Jimbo Jones is an alcoholic as well as a regular drug user from cannabis to crack cocaine, looking older than he should at thirty six.

Then little Ralph Wiggum decided to have a temper tantrum in the middle of the pavement until Jimbo has a distraction in mind "I've got an idea. Let's count it!"

Dolph and Kearney Zaywick Senior were snoring behind some old terraced houses as Ralph was too young to know how to count reliably in order. "One... one and a half, three... oh two... wait um... upside down nine..."

Jimbo Jones tutted and wagged his finger at Ralph Wiggum "No, dude! That's not how you count it!"

The trio of deadbeat father bullies abandon little Ralph in the street alone while an elderly lady Mrs. Glick doesn't blink an eye. "It's too hard to count money on the pavement." Jimbo Jones continued "You wait here, got that you little s**t?"

They meet up after delivering cars on last legs on their Ford Transit vans to a local scrapyard. "What do you know? That little s**t was right! It was £18 and we spent every penny of it!" as Jimbo Jones read the recipt. Kearney Zaywick Senior, Jimbo Jones and Dolph were laughing playing their old 1980s Nintendo Gameboy Original systems they owned since childhood. "Harsh, bro!" eating Doritos, reading their favourite nudie magazines, drinking Coco Cola and a packet of Cadbury's biscuits.

XXXXXXX

THE NEXT MORNING

"I'm looking for Jimbo, he has my £18." as the children alighted one of Otto Mann's school minibuses. Caretaker Willie was deep cleaning graffiti left by the deadbeat father bullies or Bart Simpson. "Back off, ya wee git! Willie don't talk to no-one until he's had his morning coffee cup!" Edna Krapbappel was dreading another day teaching her troublesome Year Six class.

"I know you. You're in my class now. Miss. Hoover says you have to babysit me under demoted." as Ralph points to Kearney Senior's electric guitar and cupboard full of stolen goods hid around Springfield Primary School. He had just assaulted a little girl for daring to speak up about the stolen property inside. "How d' you like your head demoted into your neck, shrimp?" in a Manchurian accent slamming his fists together.

"I'm looking for Jumbo. He has my £18. But I can't go find him, I need to be with Miss. Hoover or Daddy." unsure on what he is doing inside Springfield Primary School's cloakroom. "You mean Jimbo. He's hanging around town somewhere."

"Listen, kid I'll cover for Miss. Hoover, so you can look for Jimbo." Little Ralph looks up to him and salutes Kearney Zaywick Senior "Okay, colonel!"

Ralph starts calling into the drains near the pavement "Jimbo!" as pedestrians nearly trip over him. Then at the Guilded Truffle restaurant he throws temper tantrums in front of smartly dressed diners who were well to do, causing the violinist to nearly drop his bow as it played discordantly and one sixty odd year old male to spill his coffee.

The little Wiggum toddler managed to find himself at the Springfield Retirement Home where hordes of elderly people to run away terrified with their walking frames, knitting, pencils and books up in the air; the last time they were managing toddlers was in the 1950s-1970s.

He enters Springfield CID department inside the Springfield Constabulary police station where his father just whistled as the uniformed colleagues dropped their paperwork everywhere as Ralph screamed the place down. It implied DCI Clancy Wiggum wasn't fazed by his little son's tantrums.

Ralph Wiggum nearly falls into an industrial blue rubbish bin saying "Your house smells like throw-up Fred!" behind the Supersavers shop.

XXXXXXX

LATER THAT MORNING

In Miss. Elizabeth Hoover's Year Two classroom "You've ruined the learning curve by leaving school premises without a responsible adult!" Lisa Simpson wasn't impressed as she was reading a parenting book on _How to cope with Toddler Taming._

"Hi, lying liars!" Ralph greeted as he noticed the three deadbeat fathers eating puddings meant for the children in the hall. "What?! Are you speaking to us, kidda?" said Kearney Zaywick Senior. Jimbo Jones threatened the little Wiggum boy "We don't know what you're talking about, man!"

"Okay! That's what my Daddy would call a smart strat-getty!" misprouncing stratagy as Jimbo Jones and Kearney Zaywick Senior talk among themselves "Yeah, we love ripping off kids!" * chewing McDonalds Big Mac *

"You...you all you bad daddy bullies tricked me!" as Ralph finds Dolph sat on a box of Birds Eye fish fingers in a 12 x 175 size container. The gang of deadbeat father bullies mock Ralph Wiggum laughing amongst themselves "And not the good David Blaine kind of tricks!" * mocking toddler style cry *

XXXXXXX

OUTSIDE THE WIGGUM FAMILY HOME

"Come on, dudes. Let's see if the little wimp ratted us out to 'Daddy'." ordered Jimbo Jones to his two partners in crime.

Inside the kitchen DCI Clarence Wiggum can be heard giving a lecture "Son, when will you ever learn your lesson? You can't trust deadbeat fathers who hang around primary schools; especially if they're under thirty!" he was wearing his trademark denim jacket over a white T-Shirt featuring Life on Mars UK's DCI Gene Hunt and jeans with red Converse All Stars sat at the dining table in their kitchen eating a roast dinner served with chicken, carrots, brocoli, peas, tomatoes and roast potatoes. He sounded like Philip Glenister with his London accent as the trio of deadbeat fathers watch him.

"Just look at all those complaints I got about you today, Ralphie! Hysterical rampage around Springfield Primary School, several 'liar, liar pants on fire outbursts... not to mention disturbing the peace at the Guilded Truffle restaurant, the Springfield Retirement Home and the Supersavers!" the trendy forty year old Detective Chief Inspector continued "What am I going to do with you, Ralph? You must be punished for this." Sarah Wiggum stood worried sick out of her mind at what could have happened to their child today running through worse case scenarios.

"Daddy, you smell of roast din-din breath!" as DCI Clancy Wiggum knelt down to his little boy's level laughing "Ha, ha! Oh, Ralphie I can't stay mad at you; even if you did lose all that money! Remind me after your _Little Kickers_ football practise tomorrow, and I'll give you eighteen or nineteen pounds."

"Oh, Ralphie, I can't stay mad at you!" Dolph copied DCI Clarence Wiggum's loving gesture as Jimbo Jones spies the Detective Chief Inspector bouncing his toddler boy in the air at arms length. "Woah! He's giving him £18 or £19 bucks! I wish my dad had been like that!"

"Dude, my Dad's crummy as hell." remarked Kearney Zaywick Senior.

XXXXXXX

THE NEXT AFTERNOON OUTSIDE THE SPRINGFIELD LEISURE CENTRE ON THE RUNNING TRACK

Ralph Wiggum's _Little Kickers_ football session had just finished as the deadbeat father bullies bothered to collect their children. "Hey, Ralph must be in the neighbourhood. The temperature just dropped 50 points." one of the gang remarked when Jimbo Jones orders them "Time to trick some more cash out of the little toddler shaped ATM!"

"Hi, bad seeds!" Ralph pointed at the trio "Gee, Ralph, sorry if we spent all your money."

"Oh I know! You wait here and we'll get that £18 from your dad for you." suggested Dolph with Jimbo Jones and Kearney Zaywick Senior sniggering in the background.

"But wait, guv! I don't think DCI Clarence Wiggum trusts us enough to give what belongs to his 'Ralphie'." said Kearney Zaywick Senior. "Never fear, I have already taken care of business!" replied Jimbo Jones.

Jimbo Jones held up a piece of A4 paper with strikethroughs **Dear Chief Inspector** **Wiggum** **Daddy. Please give Jimbo Jones, Dolph and Kearney Zaywick Senior; my** **eighteen** **, nineteen pounds. They are my best uncles in the whole wide world and should have it instead of me. Signed:**

"All you have to do is autograph it." asked Jimbo Jones getting a child old enough to be his to sign the fake contract.

"Okay, you can get it. Up, down, up, around." said little Ralph who was busy practising writing his name "It's like a game! This is how Ralph signs his name!"

"Um, Chief Inspector, sir? Ralph gave us this contract to give to you!" said Jimbo Jones. Kearney Zaywick Senior replies "He signed it, so it's legally binding!"

"Oh, yeah?" asked the DCI who wore a decades old GAP jumper from the Nineties "Uh-huh... yes I see. And you scam artists agree to all the terms and conditions included here-in?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Could we have the £19 now?" asked Dolph cheekily.

"You sure can! Get on the track, you scofflaws; ever since you were a name, not a promise!" remarked Detective Chief Inspector Clarence Wiggum.

"What for?" Jimbo Jones had a sarky remark ready to match the DCI's one liner.

"That's nineteen laps around the running track." holding his police issued Walter pistol.

"Running thirty laps is Ralphie's standard punishment for doing something incredibly stupid like letting deadbeat daddy bullies trick him out of his stuff! But I took pity on my boy and knocked it down to nineteen laps, one for every pound lost. It's nice of you punks to take the rap for him."

The three deadbeat fathers were knelt at the starting blocks "But it was really £18 quid!" complained Jimbo Jones.

* POW * went the police issued Walter pistol gun. "Go! And don't try to run away. This isn't a starter pistol!" which prompts the deadbeat bully fathers to start running "We're going man, we're going!"

TEN LAPS LATER

XXXXXXX

"I don't know how you did it, Ralphie, but you tricked those rowdy criminals into taking your punishment for you!" smiled DCI Clancy Wiggum as the three deadbeat bully fathers are sweating like bricks, panting and puffing.

"It was easy, Daddy I learned my lesson from them!" as Ralph was drinking a can of 7UP through a straw.

"Oh, god..." sighed DCI Clarence Wiggum.

 **There may be a follow up fan fiction piece to "Ralph Wiggum Learns his Lesson." coming up in my British The Simpsons works. Patience is it's own reward fellow fan-fiction authors, so watch this space.**

THE END


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